we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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