Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
