My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
