make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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