I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
