I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
