please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
