i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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