Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
