I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
