We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
