Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
