I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
