The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
