pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
