I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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