Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
