I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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