i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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