He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
