And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
