Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
