i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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