ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
