I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
