Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
