I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
