i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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