Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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