Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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