my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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