just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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