I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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