Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
