ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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