i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
