I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
