Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
