woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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