the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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