Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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