there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
