life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
