Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
