I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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