She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
