I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
