i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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