...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
