'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
